For so long I felt trapped in the place that I lived, not just the residence, but the city itself; Infact, more trapped than ever. This feeling whether it be real or imagined was all to do with a myriad of factors. I lost my hope, my drive, Anyone with bipolar disorder knows this feeling all to well after an episode of mania or in my case, hypomania. Although I have had greater than a one year period out of work, my mind knew no difference and I felt overstimulated more often than not; probably more stimulated than pressures from any job. I can’t tell you the amount of times I just felt like if I could scream, then so much pressure from inside would release, but unfortunately I’m not someone who yells. To this day I haven’t been able to release that pressure. I can’t tell you how many times people would say, “you look like you have it all together” or “why can’t you do that because you have no problem going to the doc” and that’s when I realized that I needed to cut ties with those who said such things. If they knew or cared to fully understand what was going on in my head…there’s no way they would’ve believed that I had it all together. I suppose we all become selfish at some point and towards many things but at least for me, I am glad I do not lack empathy. Cutting those ties …among other things… I became more depressed than I can ever remember being so for my own sanity and well-being I made the decision to move. Goal? Become stable.
As soon as I arrived here I felt like I was home. It’s an incredible feeling that I hope everyone experiences in their life. The air here is so clean, the sights so beautiful, the trees are so green, I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin more often than not, and I really ..finally feel like I am home. If I am to become stable, this is where it will take place. It baffles me how for so long, I had felt so deeply…then slowly I drifted into not being able to feel anything at all and true to the cycle, I slowly began to feel again. I still struggle everyday with processing my feelings, even on my best days.
It wouldn’t be right if as soon as I moved that something didn’t go wrong. Where would the fun be without a little chaos? My dog had emergency surgery right away after being inaccurately diagnosed and treated two weeks prior; still angry about the lack of care he received from supposedly the best veterinarian in Dallas. I was not impressed. One out of the three new doctors I have here turns out to not pay attention to detail or just doesn’t care. I feel as though I am managing my own health more than said doctor; it shouldn’t be that way. My lab levels are not at goal, which means the cancer has a higher chance of returning and being that I am already high risk of recurrence, we want to monitor my levels more closely and get them where they need to be i.e. TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) needs to be fully suppressed to prevent regrowth. To make matters worse, I have developed late side effects of the radioactive iodine and I’ve been pretty miserable for the last two weeks, but I see a new doctor on September 5th who hopefully will provide some relief. My new psychiatrist though seems to be top-notch so far and to me that is most important specialty on my team right now.
I just wish I could detach from my own thoughts and perhaps I could see what others see in me such as her, who sees me through so many dark days with understanding, kindness and patience and my family – they’re always there no matter how much I shut them out. I am one lucky guy.
Here are a few things I am working on for me:
- realizing that I don’t have to appear to be strong 100% of the time – accept the help that is there from those who care about me. This transition is the hardest for me because I’ve had to be the strong one for decades and become self-reliant at a very young age.
- live a healthier lifestyle by being more conscientious about what I put into my body as nourishment. I adopted a vegetarian diet 3 months ago and haven’t looked back. Once I am stable and able to devote time and energy into meal prep and calculations, I plan to convert to 100% plant based diet. I’ve never had the courage to do either until recently and for that I am proud.
- finally starting on a children’s book that I’ve wanted to start for over one year now. I completed the first draft right before this post. It just so happens that I know an incredible artist who will be the perfect illustrator for the story in my head.
- never let those that I care about feel unimportant to me and my journey
- be kind to myself
- communicate with my granny more …like I used to do.
- do at least one thing that I enjoy everyday, even if it’s something small
- embrace this new start I have been given in a place that makes me happy
So for now when people ask me “are you ok”? My response will be …”No, but I will be soon.”