Where have I been? Well, since you asked I’ll tell you. I traveled to Atlanta earlier in the month, October 9th to be exact, to finish up a project for my sister (stain the pergola that I built for her new house and install her reverse osmosis filtration system to filter out chromium 6 that is in our water supply nationally) and I have been there since that time. I would love to tell you that an extended visit was the plan but sadly that is not the case. I was originally scheduled to leave on the very next day, the 10th via those chairs that fly in the sky but due to my anxiety I was unable to leave until today, the 30th via those chairs that move over the ground. Many factors caused this but more significant than any one thing is the anxiety that I get in the airport. Prior to 2015 flying was not a problem with me and I traveled quite frequently for work, when I did have a job. I experienced an unforgettable headache on a trip to Dallas that year which was at the same time I had the brain tumor. Due to the change in pressure, it caused the tumor to create more pressure in my brain. I will never forget that flight. Just thinking about it, I can feel that pain. For two hours, there was nothing I could do. It was so bright on the plane that I wanted to get out of my seat and just lay on the floor with my head under the seat, but of course that isn’t allowed. I can say with 100% certainty, that was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. Even more so than a kidney stone, because at least with the kidney stone, there was some periods of relief. After that flight it took me a few months I think before I was ever able to get back on a flight. I even had to take a private biplane tour before I was ready. Also since that time, I have missed many flights due to this anxiety. This trip, I missed 6 flights trying to get back home. Nothing helped. Even my sister sitting with me in the airport didn’t help. She was going to fly back with me on one occasion and then take the next flight back to ATL but she’s going through her own health scare at the moment and to be honest, missing 6 flights really fucked with my mind so I don’t even know if that would’ve worked. I felt like a dick because each time, the plane was delayed around 10 mins due to having to retrieve my luggage when I was unable to board because your bag can’t fly if you’re not physically on the plane. A byproduct of my anxiety is diarrhea (can’t believe I’m sharing this with you all but it is what it is), I refer to diarrhea as grumpies so now when I write this word, you will know what I am referencing. So anxiety + grumpies on a plane with maybe 6 bathrooms…not good for my bipolar brain. I fear that I will have this happen on a plane and not be able to go to the bathroom due to no vacancy and then the worst happens…shitting my pants. If that happened to me on a plane, I doubt that I would be able to get on another one for years. Does anyone else have this fear? Does your anxiety ever cause grumpies? I cannot say with certainty that anxiety is the cause of mine yet, I follow up with the GI doc on Nov. 14th, but I finally got my pathology results back from my colonoscopy on the 3rd = no cancer, no crohns, no ulcerative colitis. Previously I had not been able to take anything for the grumpies due to not knowing the cause, one doc said it could be viral and if so then I don’t need to take anything because that would be the only way to rid the virus from my symptom. I still haven’t been able to get the ok to take something for it but today, today I said enough is enough and I went against medical advice and took Imodium. I don’t know how I would get home without it and tomorrow I start my treatment for thyroid cancer, which cannot be pushed back any further. I really don’t know what to do about this airplane anxiety that I have and seeing that plane in Chicago on fire a few days ago, doesn’t help. I just wonder if the headache is the root cause or is it being in close proximity to 100 people? Do you have any advice?
Enough talking about bowel functions. I thought of something a few weeks back that I find to be a pretty comical fun fact about myself. A friend of mine, M and I were sharing FF back and forth and I let her know that I once lost a spelling bee. It was me against Hilary (the smartest girl in the school at that time) and if I had spelled this word correctly, then I would move on the state championship and who knows how my life would have turned out if I had made it there.
Basin…I fucking misspelled the word basin. Now before you judge my intelligence, let me tell you why this happened. Previously we had been given words with at least 10 letters and many syllables so I knew at this point, there’s no way that I was being asked to spell such a simple word. So …I overthought, surprising right? B-A-S-S-E-N. Bassen. Nope. That’s incorrect. So yes, I lost a spelling bee once to the word Basin. Hilary went on to achieve some high rank in the Air Force and now works for NASA (if you were wondering).
As I type this, I am heading back to the SouthWest. Wish me luck (I don’t believe in luck though so you don’t really have to honor the request).