Mood, meds, tests, and tunes

Over the last few weeks I have been fairly quiet online as well as offline. There is no real reason that I can pinpoint as to why this has been the case. I just …feel pretty meh. That feeling could be just with the new medication or it could be other things. As stated in my previous post, at that time it had been one month between the last words between J and I and even though there have a been a few words passed between the two of us since then, I still feel the loss…deeply. I keep having these flashbacks of things that didn’t even happen. I just feel that our situation was something that if we accomplished it and moved past it, that it would have been the greatest feat and building block to further strengthen the relationship. But that’s just my opinion because I don’t really know for sure if the trust would have ever come back that was lost and if the walls that we had each supplied the bricks and mortar to would have ever crumbled down to dust.

Unfortunate. I really loved that woman. Still do (even though I fight it on the daily). Everyday I still wonder if she’s ok.


Life on Lithium: I can honestly say, my mood feels a bit better. I no longer dread each new day as I was previously since cancer reared itself again. I’m not happy, but I’m not wishing to die or considering not doing anything about the cancer. Obviously…since I had the surgery. My incision had some major super power kind of healing going on and then I caused a lot of bruising by doing some intense workouts and while it still is healing nicely, it’s just as bruised now as it was a few weeks ago. The auditory hallucinations are gone. Each of my 29 doctors (just kidding) are pleased with how things are going. Next week I start back with group therapy. I’m hoping for more positive feelings resulting from this group than the last. The previous was just mentally and emotionally draining. I think it had a lot to do with the aesthetics. I need aesthetically pleasing surrounding and at least one window. The room was pale yellow, brown speckled floor, with no window. It was cold, aesthetically speaking. Today I had my second Lithium monitoring blood work. The phlebotomist drew a smiley face on my bandage. I asked her why and she told me she just knew I needed a smile after all the blood work I have had drawn lately. She was right.

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Colonoscopy: well that was a piece of cake and I could’ve used a piece of cake afterwards. I’m not too sure but I feel as though multiple conversations transpired between the doc and I afterwards. I keep having these flashbacks of things I said, but in all honesty …I don’t know if they happened or not. I hope that they didn’t because I was saying some pretty irrelevant and off the wall things such as calling my doctor a little bird. I think I asked what my asshole looked like a couple of times. Sedative drugs do weird things to me. I once thought my feet were fluffy like big cumulus clouds after anesthesia and as a result I giggled, yes giggled, every time my feet touched the ground because of the fluffy feet feeling. I also think I was reading my preliminary report aloud but what I was speaking was not the actual words on the paper. The doc told me that they didn’t find what they were sure of but I don’t have the full report yet. They did give me these pamphlets:

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Take from that what you may. I will say that I don’t have Ulcerative Colitis or I’m sure my chaperone would have told me that the doc said that. My first meal after, within one hour actually was sushi even though they told me not to. I took the risk and I did fine and have had no ill effects from the procedure or the sushi. But then…last night I started having this dull ache on my right side, sort of under my liver. It feels better if I apply pressure. So in order to sleep last night, I couldn’t snuggle my pillow tight as I do on a nightly basis and instead had to sleep curled in a ball with the pillow folded and pressed to my stomach. It feels the same today. I’m trying to not think about it much. I had 5 vials of blood drawn today so if something is off, that should reveal something.


Tonight: continuing writing my paper for school (I’ve been working on it for over a week and I just can’t find the words), American Horror Story, eating over cooked steak (see below) and jamming out to some new tunes. I told you about Bon Iver’s album release 22, a million a few posts ago and well it’s here and it’s beautifully made. The track I mostly put on repeat so far is probably a song titled 8 (circles). I haven’t listened to the full album yet, I have to leave something to look forward to. Also, another favorite of mine, Passenger dropped a new album, Young as the Morning, Old as the Sea (title track). Not my favorite album by him but it’s pretty stellar none the less. I definitely dig these tracks, Home and Anywhere.

Here’s the link to my updated tunes posts.

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Not sure why I even shared that but I guess it seemed fitting. I overcooked my steak by a lot but I ate everything on my plate like a good boy should. Maybe I shared that to say this ….I’ve been eating a lot better lately and I have gained 11 lbs out of the 28 that I lost back, which I am very happy about.


20 thoughts on “Mood, meds, tests, and tunes

  1. oh, I would have given my right toe to have a conversation with you while you were high on those drugs!… 😉 And btw, I told you how to cure that “meh” (I would have shared half of that piece of cake too…)

    I don’t know much about you and J, but I do have my own that sounds like it could be comparable. Good news: “they” say it won’t always hurt as much as it does now. Bad news: i haven’t really believed much of what “they” have said lately. i don’t know…jury is still out. If you ever want to ramble on to a completely crazy, sarcastic stranger.. I’m your girl. 🙂 Don’t worry I wont let you wallow in self-pity, if you call me out on my bullshit.. deal?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. J was my sole love in this life…we haven’t been the same for a long time but the cancer hit really was devastating to our relationship. Unfortunately instead of bringing us together it pushed us further apart than ever before. Not sure if “they” are right about that either, I hurt as much today as I did months ago. I think tomorrow I am definitely partaking in cake eating …yep, just made up my mind, right here…right now.

      Bullshit caller? I can play that game

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It sucks when you see others around you that go through hard times, and it brings them closer together. Then in your own life your illness tears you apart…it just leaves you like -hey.. what the hell, that’s not suppose to happen-… I don’t know for me maybe we were not as solid as we should have been before the hard times came.. maybe that makes a difference..? how long were you guys together? how long ago did it break?

    Do it, go for the cake- do you have a Cheesecake Factory nearby? omg, they have the most amazing chocolate cake!! You know the bullshit caller is a full-time job.. sure your up for it? freaking hell, just email me. (address on the blog).. or you are going to have 31 comments on this post too. don’t worry, i’m not some crazy stalker… and i don’t bite. “they” say its easier to talk to a stranger…lol so start talking. come on…i double dare you…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really sucks that her family (no fault of their own) wouldn’t extend the same courtesy as my family would for her if something happened to me (I try to only tell them good things about her) …sometimes I walk around the block of where I live for one hour in the afternoons…just hoping she will stop by the dog park across the street …but I haven’t had such luck. At least I know she was alive one week ago today.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. i get it. sometimes you just want to hear from them or see them… even though you know it may just make you feel worse. and not knowing what they are doing or if they are happy, or having a bad day… after knowing everything about them for years is really hard. That’s too bad about her family- you would think after you guys being together that long, they would do that. So you live close to her?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nah, they have no idea that I was still in the picture – well, sort of I was. The last I know of her even mentioning them to me was around March of 15′ …and like I said, it’s not their fault. I have no ill feelings towards them for not doing that. They’re going to take her side because she’s their daughter. When you tell your loved ones/friends negative things about someone you’re with they will take that persons side because they do not love the individual that you do romantically and therefore do not forgive. Which is why my family doesn’t know much of anything negative that’s ever happened in our relationship. She was my best friend.

      Yea…just a few blocks between the two of us. For now.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Nah, they have no idea that I was still in the picture – well, sort of I was. The last I know of her even mentioning them to me was around March of 15′ …and like I said, it’s not their fault. I have no ill feelings towards them for not doing that. They’re going to take her side because she’s their daughter. When you tell your loved ones/friends negative things about someone you’re with they will take that persons side because they do not love the individual that you do romantically and therefore do not forgive. Which is why my family doesn’t know much of anything negative that’s ever happened in our relationship. She was my best friend.

    Yea…just a few blocks between the two of us. For now.

    Like

  5. you’re right, of course they are going to side with their daughter. still doesn’t suck tho.. i mean after 1.5 years, they must have known you pretty well? so… how is that distance working out for you? that has got to make it hard. so here is a none of my business question, but has she moved on to someone else already? or what’s that situation.

    of course it will be ok….eventually. And one day maybe I will believe that too ;p

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you kindly…I think you just called me brilliant because my blog are mostly just thoughts and randomness from my brain..I kid, I kid…but I do appreciate the kind words and I look forward to reading your blog as well.

      Like

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