Over the last few weeks I have been fairly quiet online as well as offline. There is no real reason that I can pinpoint as to why this has been the case. I just …feel pretty meh. That feeling could be just with the new medication or it could be other things. As stated in my previous post, at that time it had been one month between the last words between J and I and even though there have a been a few words passed between the two of us since then, I still feel the loss…deeply. I keep having these flashbacks of things that didn’t even happen. I just feel that our situation was something that if we accomplished it and moved past it, that it would have been the greatest feat and building block to further strengthen the relationship. But that’s just my opinion because I don’t really know for sure if the trust would have ever come back that was lost and if the walls that we had each supplied the bricks and mortar to would have ever crumbled down to dust.
Unfortunate. I really loved that woman. Still do (even though I fight it on the daily). Everyday I still wonder if she’s ok.
Life on Lithium: I can honestly say, my mood feels a bit better. I no longer dread each new day as I was previously since cancer reared itself again. I’m not happy, but I’m not wishing to die or considering not doing anything about the cancer. Obviously…since I had the surgery. My incision had some major super power kind of healing going on and then I caused a lot of bruising by doing some intense workouts and while it still is healing nicely, it’s just as bruised now as it was a few weeks ago. The auditory hallucinations are gone. Each of my 29 doctors (just kidding) are pleased with how things are going. Next week I start back with group therapy. I’m hoping for more positive feelings resulting from this group than the last. The previous was just mentally and emotionally draining. I think it had a lot to do with the aesthetics. I need aesthetically pleasing surrounding and at least one window. The room was pale yellow, brown speckled floor, with no window. It was cold, aesthetically speaking. Today I had my second Lithium monitoring blood work. The phlebotomist drew a smiley face on my bandage. I asked her why and she told me she just knew I needed a smile after all the blood work I have had drawn lately. She was right.
Colonoscopy: well that was a piece of cake and I could’ve used a piece of cake afterwards. I’m not too sure but I feel as though multiple conversations transpired between the doc and I afterwards. I keep having these flashbacks of things I said, but in all honesty …I don’t know if they happened or not. I hope that they didn’t because I was saying some pretty irrelevant and off the wall things such as calling my doctor a little bird. I think I asked what my asshole looked like a couple of times. Sedative drugs do weird things to me. I once thought my feet were fluffy like big cumulus clouds after anesthesia and as a result I giggled, yes giggled, every time my feet touched the ground because of the fluffy feet feeling. I also think I was reading my preliminary report aloud but what I was speaking was not the actual words on the paper. The doc told me that they didn’t find what they were sure of but I don’t have the full report yet. They did give me these pamphlets:
Take from that what you may. I will say that I don’t have Ulcerative Colitis or I’m sure my chaperone would have told me that the doc said that. My first meal after, within one hour actually was sushi even though they told me not to. I took the risk and I did fine and have had no ill effects from the procedure or the sushi. But then…last night I started having this dull ache on my right side, sort of under my liver. It feels better if I apply pressure. So in order to sleep last night, I couldn’t snuggle my pillow tight as I do on a nightly basis and instead had to sleep curled in a ball with the pillow folded and pressed to my stomach. It feels the same today. I’m trying to not think about it much. I had 5 vials of blood drawn today so if something is off, that should reveal something.
Tonight: continuing writing my paper for school (I’ve been working on it for over a week and I just can’t find the words), American Horror Story, eating over cooked steak (see below) and jamming out to some new tunes.
I told you about Bon Iver’s album release 22, a million a few posts ago and well it’s here and it’s beautifully made. The track I mostly put on repeat so far is probably a song titled 8 (circles). I haven’t listened to the full album yet, I have to leave something to look forward to. Also, another favorite of mine, Passenger dropped a new album, Young as the Morning, Old as the Sea (title track). Not my favorite album by him but it’s pretty stellar none the less. I definitely dig these tracks, Home and Anywhere.
Here’s the link to my updated tunes posts.
Not sure why I even shared that but I guess it seemed fitting. I overcooked my steak by a lot but I ate everything on my plate like a good boy should. Maybe I shared that to say this ….I’ve been eating a lot better lately and I have gained 11 lbs out of the 28 that I lost back, which I am very happy about.