Rambles

Another week, more doctors, more lab work..I really get tired of the repetitiveness going to doctor offices but at least there I am surrounded by people like me who will not judge me for having Bipolar Disorder. No psychiatrist appointment this week as those have been reduced to every two weeks for the last two months or so, more frequently if needed. However, I was supposed to see a new psychologist this week but that appointment ended up being canceled (not by me) due to some unforeseen circumstances. Fine by me but I am in need of CBT that I’ve been without for quite some time, almost 1.5 months now. I did however, have a follow up regarding my surgery and the pathology results are not in my favor.

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The thyroid cancer has metastasized, meaning it has spread outside of the thyroid gland that was removed and I’ll require additional treatment. There hasn’t been any test conducted yet to pinpoint the location of the metastases, that comes in a few weeks. The possibility of this being the case has been known since the discovery of the cancer itself. I’m not even sure the reality of it all has hit me yet honestly. I suppose I am still numb about it all. Again, just as I did before hearing the familiar word cancer….hearing the word metastasize …J came to mind first. I don’t understand why I still think of her when things that affect or potentially affect my life happen and since I don’t understand it, I’ll say no more about that. Meanwhile my whole family is devastated and I …I just wish that I could make them feel better about things because I really am going to beat this. I think they’re mostly feeling the way they are because I’ve been through so many things over the last 3 years but you know what? Prior to that…I was someone who never came down with any illnesses so might as well get them out of the way now, right? I mean, some people deal with chronic illness their whole lives (yea, I have a mental illness but who’s to say in a year or two that I will be this debilitated) such as Alzheimer’s, sickle cell disease, chronic pain, migraines, cystic fibrosis, paraplegia, mentally challenged, etc. I will beat this, those people will not. So I am not complaining that this has happened to me again.

My big sis flew into town this AM to be with me because she doesn’t want me to be alone right now. I am a big boy but it really is good to see her. Whenever my family is in town I feel some added pressure because they are not recluse like me and it just intensifies my anxiety because I never know if I am going to be able to do things with them. My other sister, who has Bipolar Disorder as well, was here after my surgery last week and I was never able to go anywhere with her but she didn’t seem to mind too much. Today though for lunch I was able to go into an actual eating establishment. I had a delectable grilled cheese sandwich. I’ll share the ingredients so you can imagine this on your taste buds:

smoked slow cooked pulled brisket, muenster cheese, smoked gouda, and yellow cheddar all between two pieces of big Texas toast.

It was much delight and paired well with my chocolate and bacon shake. I should have snapped a pic of said sandwich like all of the cool kids do but honestly I was too anxious. Luckily my sister helped distract me just enough so I could eat, which likely ended up causing her to probably not enjoy her meal as much as she would have liked to due to my anxiety. That’s the part I hate because I want her to have a good time…I want things to be normal again, so much. I guess I should be proud that I made it into a restaurant this week, she was. We then walked over to a specialty chocolate shop she favors. I sent her some chocolate from there last year and I think I made I mistake…nah, let women have their chocolate right? They deserve it. I was unable to go inside because the store was filled to the brim with people and I just couldn’t. She didn’t make me attempt it as I know she could tell so I waited for her outside. It took awhile so I became nervous and she finally caught me pacing out back in an alley. Honestly, I didn’t realize that so much time had transpired while she was in there and I don’t even remember walking over to the location where she found me.

My Saturday night is now filled with hanging out with my big sis on the couch and while she catches a flick…I’m catching a game. Football…my favorite time of the year and hey…my Heels are up for now.

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Completely unrelated, I caught wind of a new tune today…if you’re a Lumineers fan, you’ll appreciate this jam that was just released two days ago that will be the lead song for an upcoming film soundtrack, Storks. Give it an ear or two.

But in even better music news…two of my most admired artists James Vincent McMorrow dropped his latest LP, We Move …you can listen here and Bon Iver’s new LP 22, a million drops in just a few days. You can read about the bands album inspiration here.

 

9 thoughts on “Rambles

  1. Let women have their chocolate! Damn right 😀!! I’m sorry to hear your results you sound so strong but I hope you know that your readers don’t expect you to be all the time! Well done for getting out there!! I suffer with anxiety too and I’m sitting on s train going into London with a rapidly beating heart and clammy hands! Anxiety sucks. I too think of my ex like all the time especially when something happens, good or bad, as they are the first person I want to tell. Hang in there 💛 Thinking of you X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yea…women deserve all the good things that they desire or at least that’s my thoughts. Fuck yea cancer, anxiety, mental illness – all fucking suck. I know that beating heart and clammy hand thing all too well…as far as the ex situation man..it’s just so much harder going through any of this and for her to be included …she’s really the only person I need but I understand why she has to exclude herself ..I just wish she knew how strong she really is (she used to think she couldn’t be strong enough for me) and the strength she always gave me.

      Like

  2. i hadn’t heard the new Lumineers song yet! i love it!… You have such an amazing positive outlook despite all you have and continue to go through in your life. i completely admire you for that.
    (oh…and Bon Iver is one of my absolute favorites..have them all on vinyl 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The admiration is much appreciated, Lizzy. The illness does try to keep my general positivism at bay…I’ve always been the type of person to find the positives in situations…but since for now, I am slowly winning. Each day is a bit different but the days that I come out winning…overshadow the bad days in between.

      I’m glad you share my admiration for Bon Iver…cant give his creativity the credit that the band deserves. I too, have every single album on vinyl. Glad you enjoyed the Lumineer’s tune. They’re also one of my favorites ever since I saw them live once. They give an incredible performance.

      Liked by 1 person

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