Last night I was able to sleep a solid six to seven hours for the first time in days and I know it had everything to do with receiving a text from J. It wasn’t romantic, it was just a simple wishing me a happy holiday. That’s all I needed…to know that she was ok. I became restless at night because I hadn’t heard from J in quite some time. Five days to be exact. That may not seem like much to some but when you’re used to talking to someone on a daily basis, it is something more than I can explain. She was my best friend. The person who I shared everything with, every plan, every thought…everything. What I am learning for myself is that there is no moving on, closure really is a myth. I accept this.
This loss of J is and always will be a part of me. It’s quite different than experiencing a death of a loved one. There have been moments after my father passed in which I scooped up my phone to text him (usually related to autos) and then I realize…he won’t be responding. I am not looking for a rebound relationship but instead I’ll use this time in between to learn more about who I am becoming and focus on getting myself in the place I need to be for myself and for whoever crosses my path in the future.
I will always be grateful for the time I had with her. The love and loss of her has opened something in me. I see and feel things completely differently than I did before loving her and sometimes it hurts so bad I can barely even breathe. I feel this fullness in my chest and an ache that’s indescribable. The pain from the ache is sometimes more than I want to bear and it happens with each breath. She taught me me so much in such a short period of time and made me a better person. I can only hope I had some positive influence on her as she moves forward and grows as a person and grows in her new relationship(s). Most importantly, I hope she has learned her own strength. She was my rock but she really is one of the strongest people I know. Loving someone with mental illness isn’t easy and I’m sure those who do love us go through that battle of whether or not they’re strong enough. She was. She is.
Today is the day, the day I meet Atticus. J is responsible for this union as she is the person who suggested a psychiatric service dog to help me. She knows me better than anyone. It’s been a long time coming and the excitement I have for today is beyond words. Come back to this post later today and you’ll see little Atticus. But first …waho
Wake up today and love those who love you as much as you can for as long as you can.
Update: Meet Atticus – 7 months old 17 lbs (he must have been the runt of the litter as his physique is tiny and so are his feet…but check out those cool ears). We trained for 9 hours today and that will continue each day.