Presently I find myself in a familiar place…err, state. You know that place, you’ve been here before. It’s that place we go when we want to shut the world out, our comfy, deep dark place that know one knows about other than you. One might venture here for various reasons but mostly after a loss of something or someone…sometimes, yourself. That’s where I am right now. I’ve stopped feeling. I’ve stopped dreaming. I’ve stopped wondering. Hell, if breathing was a conscious effort…I would’ve stopped living by now.
I consider myself an outgoing introvert. Despite the contradiction, there is such a thing in 2016. Well, I take that back. I consider my former self to be an outgoing introvert. Before the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Before the label placed upon myself from medical professionals, family, friends, and society. As I was saying, I am a former outgoing introvert who has always been a good listener, never really one that reveals much about myself to others. That takes a lot of work and most people don’t have time for that. Now, I am only bits and pieces of that former self. Recently, after experiencing a more than welcomed amount of emotional trauma, I have been searching for those pieces that have been lost in order to get my life back on track. I’m not sure if this is the right outlet but at least maybe I can reach out to those who might be experiencing similar situations in their life. So in that sense, the creation of this monster will not be in vain. A few years back I briefly dated an individual, who I compare to a tornado (she came in fast and chaotic and then it was over, phew) and whenever someone or something upset her she would often say to me that she needed to “re-calibrate.” At the time I didn’t quite understand the reasoning behind the term as she always seemed to revert back to the same old habits or people who had originally caused the feeling to re-calibrate. I also had associated re-calibrating life to spirituality and that is just not something I desired or wanted. However, fast forward four years later and here I am declaring I want to re-calibrate my fucked up life. Well….let’s see how this thing goes.